The Edge

  And there it was again... the very edge. I felt it coming. The sudden agitation. The knee jerk reactions. The sense that I needed a good cry for no reason. The tense muscles in my shoulders that reminded me of the burdens I carry. These burdens were not placed on me by anyone. I placed them on myself. The inner voice that says, "You can't fail. There is no room for failure, soldier! Stop being so damn weak!"
  I don't need to join any of the branches of the armed services. They live in my head and tell me how stupid and fake I am on a daily basis. That I will be found out and punished. Kicked out of the house. Kicked out of school. Kicked into the woods to live as a hermit for the rest of my born days.
  Negative self talk is detrimental. So why am I doing it? Hormones. A good portion of my depression is hormone-based and lifestyle-based. If I am not eating right (like staying away from carbs and sugar-loaded foods) or not getting enough sunlight or not getting enough exercise, these hormones will swing to and fro. Ghrelin signals tell you when to stop eating. Mine shut off when I don't follow the above. The long hours in class or a lab along with winter coming on mean that I am not making enough Vitamin D.
  What I really felt was the serotonin levels dropping off. Negative thoughts rose, anxiety levels rose. This is not just a mind over matter issue. It is a neurobiological issue. This is what medications were created for.
  But, as usual, I will not go gentle into that goodnight night. My mind started fighting back earlier this evening. I thank the universe for adding regular doses of music back into my life. One that is more regular than teaching students once or twice a week. I am reciting positive mantras, doing small things for myself that make me feel spoiled, and telling the negative self-talk to stuff it. It takes time. But I am getting quicker at recognizing the onset and quicker to begin working against it.
  This is not something that a sack session with the therapist-approved boy toy is going to fix. Honestly, sometimes random sex does not always increase self-esteem. And I would much rather have fun with it when I am in a good mood.
  Taking stock also helps. But not in the flavor of, "oh... I haven't finished this... oh... I forgot to do that." This form looks back at the last few months since the last episode and looking at how far you have come. As soon as you hear the voice of self-doubt, counter it. Argue against it. Tell that voice exactly what your worth is. If you find self worth in things, find self worth in your personality. If you find self worth in your job, find self worth in your behaviors. Don't just say to yourself, "I'm really good at X, Y, and Z at work." Say to yourself, "X,Y, and Z are awesome at work because I have A, B, and C qualities/values." Separate your value from extrinsic things and focus on intrinsic. What is natural to you.
  If my favorite football team can come back from a 24 point deficit and win the game, we can't I? Well, of course I can. And I will. Just like you can no matter how deep that hole is that you dug with your bare hands. Since your hands look a little raw, grab onto mine. I will help you up.

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