Exponential Ramblings

      This isn't the first time I have felt like this. I have been in projects where I am completely absorbed  and there are moments, like today, that lack focus and control. Ah, the fun of being ADD. I have been on Celexa now for a few weeks and I can tell when I forget to take it. So, I must keep taking it. However, I have noticed the attention span is pretty darn short. I did utilize a suggestion made to me awhile back on what I feel are my worst days and here is what I came up with on 9/16/12.... 9:00 AMish: I lose focus when distracted by random thoughts. So, I will go on ahead and type them down and see if it helps with focusing.  11:01: I can not think simply for the sake of simplicity. Thoughts are turbulent and cascading. I may as well write them down and keep track for future reference. 11:02: Anything you say, type, write, text, express to me will be magnified 4x by my mind.  11:05: This morning's Tai Chi has worn off. 11:43: Confound th...

  The first step to solving a problem is to first admit that you have one. I knew I had one for awhile now. I can remember being nervous every time the teacher placed a Math test in front of me in elementary school. By that point, anxiety was a learned behavior. My mother and biological father did not get along well at all. The fights were loud and sometimes led to physical violence. The best thing my biological father ever did for me was leave. The best thing I ever did for myself was telling him he was no longer welcome in my life. My father was a pot-smoking alcoholic. He took me out of my favorite thing, ballet, just so he could play baseball for his company. Hence, I still love ballet and have big issues with baseball. Psychological association, go figure. He never took me or my timetable into account and only sent money when he wanted to see me. I am not sure what I would say to him now. I would probably slug him one and then let him talk when he recovered.   ...

  I have stated, more than once, that music saved my life and it continues to do so. I don't get to play or practice as much as I used to. Realistically, when I am not working on schoolwork, it should be the first thing I turn to for fun. But I look around my office and take careful inventory of my instruments. They are in as much disrepair as my psyche is. The flute has a sticky key, which I had been working to death. My tenor saxophone needs some new cork and adjustments, maybe some new pads. These things. These things are important to me. It's not just the ownership of so many instruments, it is the capability to care for them and play them.   I have talked about playing out again. I know I can. But I keep making excuses. I could have been in the Concert or jazz band at Roanoke College. But I figure, next semester or next year, when I am not such a hot mess of a person.   But, why not now????  Isn't that the mark of great players? All the b.s. that they go throu...