Diagnosis: ADD and Anxiety

  The first step to solving a problem is to first admit that you have one. I knew I had one for awhile now. I can remember being nervous every time the teacher placed a Math test in front of me in elementary school. By that point, anxiety was a learned behavior. My mother and biological father did not get along well at all. The fights were loud and sometimes led to physical violence. The best thing my biological father ever did for me was leave. The best thing I ever did for myself was telling him he was no longer welcome in my life. My father was a pot-smoking alcoholic. He took me out of my favorite thing, ballet, just so he could play baseball for his company. Hence, I still love ballet and have big issues with baseball. Psychological association, go figure. He never took me or my timetable into account and only sent money when he wanted to see me. I am not sure what I would say to him now. I would probably slug him one and then let him talk when he recovered. 

  But despite his leaving, I continue to have abandonment issues. They are ebbing now and I am just beginning to get comfortable with myself at 38 years old. One question that I have been asking is "what will make me happy?"
  I digress and will talk about the above a little more later. 

  You get the point though, anxiety is a commonality in my life. Depression is usually not a short distance behind either. I am a people-pleaser and an enabler. I can take care of everything and save the world. In trying to do so, has caused major setbacks in my life. I thought that was my life, as Christianity dictated, was to rescue people? Help them. Lift them up. 

  I was also the good girl. If I did anything that remotely seemed bad or disobedient, the anxiety would come back. Mom had had a hard enough life as it was, who was I to make it worse for her? 

  This is why I think ADD escaped everyone's attention. Normal report card comments were, "conscientious student", "hard-working", and "pleasure to have in class." If you look back in my high school yearbook, I was involved in everything. Wow. If I actually concentrated on one or two activities, how far would I have gone in that activity? Would it have changed my life story? 

  At any rate, the doctor and I are treating my main nemesis, Anxiety, first. Just to see how much of a grip it has on my mind and my body. We will investigate ADD down the road once we have adjusted meds. But meds will always need an adjustment. 

  One thing I have noticed is a major guilt complex, where it originated from, I am not sure. Maybe it was from the need to protect my mom from my beast of a father. But I can't be there and save everyone anymore. I am the only one who can save myself and put myself first. I have to forgive myself for what I perceive to be failings. People have called me superwoman. Superwoman suffers from a lot of guilt because, like me, she can't be there for everyone. Now, it is learning about which fights to pick and choose and what is really worth fighting for. 

  This term may be the first of many turn around points. I finally put myself first by going to seek counseling and ask for an accommodation. Since things are moving along as they should, I need to do my part this weekend and hit the books. There is a lot on my plate. Not just academics, but financially and personally. 

  I was recalling a time I felt most happy in my past. I would have to say it is when I did put myself first, had a ton of fun, and worked really hard. I was happily dating, spending time with friends, and heading up projects at work. I want to be back there again. And it will happen.

  I had good intentions to attend PROject proJECT tonight in downtown Roanoke. But I made a lot of excuses earlier this afternoon. I have just now realized I missed a golden opportunity to ask a friend if they wanted to hang out and go with me. I will remember this for the next event because I am tired of going to these alone.