Exponential Ramblings

Dozen Roses   My regular readers know that I had traveled all day yesterday to Georgia. After reporting and taking pictures of the craziness of Interstate 81 South and tweeting about them, my phone died within a few hours after. Having your phone for only the first five hours of a twelve hour trip should have driven me insane. But alas, I am still alive and well. If anything, the world came to a grinding halt despite the seeming mobility that I was experiencing in the car. My sister even observed the great job I did staring out into space.   What was I thinking about? Well, everything and nothing all at once. I have been thinking about what I have to do when I get back from Georgia. I thought about how much energy I would have to expend in the next two weeks and the lack of financial mobility for the short term.   I read an article today about girls and women with ADD/HD. I know I am going to see a psychiatrist for a possible diagnosis of cyclothymia but as the ts...

  What a nice way to start a vacation, freezing rain. (lots of sarcasm) My sisters, mom, dad, and I will be heading down to Georgia/Florida border to visit my brother and his family. I am looking forward to time with my brother and his family, as this will be one of the last major get-togethers for our family of origin. We are not sure when the next get together will be and how soon or late in the future. And it's that realization that the family unit has aged. My parents will only have one child left in the house after February, near empty nesters. I know this feeling is bitter sweet for them but I also know that they can't wait for grandbabies.   Whether or not I will produce one is a matter of questionability. Yes, there is a red underline in that word and I don't care. When I get back from this excursion, I will come back to a near empty house and a lot of work ahead of me. Both in terms of home and life.   Am I scared? Abso-freaking-lutely. But, much like depressio...

Knock. Knock. Me ( opens door ) Oh hey... come on in... I was wondering when you were going to show up. Sad figure ( walks in ) I was wondering when you were going to recognize my existence. Me ( closing door ) I have recognized your existence for some time. But look, it is the holidays and I don't have much time for you.  Sad figure Really? You always have time for me around the holidays. Me Normally, I do. But I have to remain positive and happy!  Sad figure You skipped defense mechanism number one and went straight to two? Me Defense mechanism one was yesterday and I still see it today. Knock. Knock. Me ( opens door ) Well, speak of the deebils. We have ourselves a get together now. DF 1 and DF 2 ( DF 1 begins cleaning the house and DF 2 looks like Barney on steroids ) Me ( closes door and turns to Sad Figur e) You see... they are alive and well. Sad Figure Ah, yes. You are becoming more sel...

"It's ok to not act normal around the season... but some people are abusing the privilege."  ~Amanda, FB status update 12/23/12   I see nothing wrong with acting silly or trying to have fun, especially since this has been one of the most oddest and stressful of holidays and years. 2012 will go down in the books as being the year people lost their cotton-picking, ever-loving minds. Including myself.    I have a lot to worry about. I have a lot to stress over. I am thanking that school is not in session so I can take this time to breathe again. The husband and mother-in-law will be out between Dec. 29th and Dec. 30th. I need to find three housemates STAT, at one of the worst times of the year. I am hoping, in the next few weeks of the new year, that returning students to VWCC, Hollins, or Radford may be looking for a new and calming place to live. I am all over this calm, centered, self-sufficient individual thing. I have to. I need to. Not to prove myself t...

  Taking a day off from my life and problems to reflect on the recent tragedy in Sandy Hook Elementary Schools and the schoolchildren stabbed in Beijing, China.   Many people have transgressed in my life and I have not been able to forgive. In the spirit of what is this moment in time, I forgive anyone who has ever broken my trust, insulted me, trampled on me, etc. Life is far too precious and fleeting to hold grudges.  If anything, now is the time to pour out love. Now is the time to embrace and tell the ones you love the simple fact that you love them and enjoy having them in your life. Shake the hands of your enemies and find common ground. Keep an eye open for opportunities to be the miracle and the behavior you wish to see. Wipe your Karma plate clean and start anew. This world needs more love and less hatred and violence. Love is the only thing that can conquer all.

Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.   Went to my general practitioner to get a referral for a psychiatrist and was mildly surprised that I could get in right after the first of the year. Normally, it would take weeks before I would see a doctor or make a wellness appointment. Since I have grown my network, certain friends are making sure that I am held accountable. They are not my replacement parents but they are a guide through this murky and muddled jungle that I have been crawling through.   What drove me to begin seeking therapy? My grades were slipping. I had an obsessive compulsion to hurt someone because that person has no idea how much they hurt me.   What happened? Quite simply, I was trolled. A man languished in the dark corner of the internet in order to take advantage of me. My mistake was putting myself out there to be taken advantage of. I don't normally throw myself at anyone as I am very picky. But I let my guard down ...

  I love tutoring and working one-on-one with people, young and old. I find that it is a relief in my daily routine. I love imparting knowledge onto students and demystifying complex subjects. This does not mean I should be a teacher in a classroom, even though I know I can handle it. I choose not to. I like focusing and listening to my students. And to get paid for what I do? Well, that is just icing on the whole cake.   I have a firm belief that all people are capable of learning. I don't believe that there are limitations to the learning process, only our preconceived notions. It is a matter of retraining the brain to look at things in a way not seen before. I believe in teaching that is very different from what is done right now. Some learning has to be done by rote memory. But we can at least make it more enjoyable by turning it into a song. What is 9 X 12 anyways? If it was in your favorite song or to the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," you would know that ...

  Yes, I know. I have not posted in quite awhile. There are two final exams to take this week and many things to do.   My husband and mom-in-law are moving out by the end of the month. This is a major change as I scramble for housemates at Christmas. Please wish me luck. I am not financially in the clear as of yet and will need to seek a more permanent part-time job on top of the responsibilities I already carry. If I had a Native American name it would be "Takes On Too Much."   However, I have been trying to fill up my toolbox. Attempting to talk less and listen more. Using tools that others have used in the past, trying them out, keeping ones that work, and throwing others out. I have a modified Pomodoro Technique, it has nothing to do with cooking tomatoes and is all about time management. I have also added in writing everything down, random thoughts and all, or simply just telling you everything that is running through my mind. I am not the only one and we can suppo...

When Nature Wants A Man When Nature wants to drill a man And thrill a man, And skill a man, When Nature wants to mould a man To play the noblest part; When she yearns with all her heart To create so great and bold a man That all the world shall praise– Watch her method, watch her ways! How she ruthlessly perfects Whom she royally elects; How she hammers him and hurts him And with mighty blows converts him Into trial shapes of clay which only Nature understands– While his tortured heart is crying and he lifts beseeching hands!– How she bends, but never breaks, When his good she undertakes…. How she uses whom she chooses And with every purpose fuses him, By every art induces him To try his splendor out– Nature knows what she’s about. When Nature wants to take a man And shake a man And wake a man; When Nature wants to make a man To do the Future’s will; When she tries with all her skill And she yearns with all her soul To create him large and whole…. With what cunning she prepares him...

      This isn't the first time I have felt like this. I have been in projects where I am completely absorbed  and there are moments, like today, that lack focus and control. Ah, the fun of being ADD. I have been on Celexa now for a few weeks and I can tell when I forget to take it. So, I must keep taking it. However, I have noticed the attention span is pretty darn short. I did utilize a suggestion made to me awhile back on what I feel are my worst days and here is what I came up with on 9/16/12.... 9:00 AMish: I lose focus when distracted by random thoughts. So, I will go on ahead and type them down and see if it helps with focusing.  11:01: I can not think simply for the sake of simplicity. Thoughts are turbulent and cascading. I may as well write them down and keep track for future reference. 11:02: Anything you say, type, write, text, express to me will be magnified 4x by my mind.  11:05: This morning's Tai Chi has worn off. 11:43: Confound th...

  The first step to solving a problem is to first admit that you have one. I knew I had one for awhile now. I can remember being nervous every time the teacher placed a Math test in front of me in elementary school. By that point, anxiety was a learned behavior. My mother and biological father did not get along well at all. The fights were loud and sometimes led to physical violence. The best thing my biological father ever did for me was leave. The best thing I ever did for myself was telling him he was no longer welcome in my life. My father was a pot-smoking alcoholic. He took me out of my favorite thing, ballet, just so he could play baseball for his company. Hence, I still love ballet and have big issues with baseball. Psychological association, go figure. He never took me or my timetable into account and only sent money when he wanted to see me. I am not sure what I would say to him now. I would probably slug him one and then let him talk when he recovered.   ...

  I have stated, more than once, that music saved my life and it continues to do so. I don't get to play or practice as much as I used to. Realistically, when I am not working on schoolwork, it should be the first thing I turn to for fun. But I look around my office and take careful inventory of my instruments. They are in as much disrepair as my psyche is. The flute has a sticky key, which I had been working to death. My tenor saxophone needs some new cork and adjustments, maybe some new pads. These things. These things are important to me. It's not just the ownership of so many instruments, it is the capability to care for them and play them.   I have talked about playing out again. I know I can. But I keep making excuses. I could have been in the Concert or jazz band at Roanoke College. But I figure, next semester or next year, when I am not such a hot mess of a person.   But, why not now????  Isn't that the mark of great players? All the b.s. that they go throu...

  I have a wide variety of influences. One of them is a band that is still around although they pretty much stick to Europe. I am sure they can peacefully rest on the royalties of "Take on Me." But for some reason, one of their more obscure songs keeps jumping into my mind and Thomas Hardy. The lyrics to "Lamb to the Slaughter" and "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Goodnight" juxtapose each other. One is about letting another person send you into a spiraling depression and seeing it as their only way out of their psychosis. The latter, is about Hardy telling his father to fight death. Both have been in my head for a few days as my mind battles for normalcy. I have to go down in order to come out fighting and raging against what I have been through. I have to face it "Headlong" (good Queen song) and make sure that what comes out of Alice's Rabbit Hole is truly me. I can't let these past things define who I am anymore. I can't let them make m...