Appointment

Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.

  Went to my general practitioner to get a referral for a psychiatrist and was mildly surprised that I could get in right after the first of the year. Normally, it would take weeks before I would see a doctor or make a wellness appointment. Since I have grown my network, certain friends are making sure that I am held accountable. They are not my replacement parents but they are a guide through this murky and muddled jungle that I have been crawling through.
  What drove me to begin seeking therapy? My grades were slipping. I had an obsessive compulsion to hurt someone because that person has no idea how much they hurt me.
  What happened? Quite simply, I was trolled. A man languished in the dark corner of the internet in order to take advantage of me. My mistake was putting myself out there to be taken advantage of. I don't normally throw myself at anyone as I am very picky. But I let my guard down and let him waltz right in. I really don't know what he wanted from me. To take care of him? To make his life easy while I was making mine as difficult as I could? Believe me, alarm bells went off when I met him. I chose to ignore them. There were many promises made. They all sounded too good to be true and they were.
  I knew I had to do something before I broke. That is when I began doing something I had not done much for myself before, seek help. Some have intervened on my behalf in the past. This time, I had to do it for myself. Putting myself first is the most difficult thing for me to do. It is beginning to get easier every time I make the self conscious decision to do it.
  One thing that I have come to realize is that I need to check my motivation often. There is something to be said for intrinsic and extrinsic value. I was never paid to get good grades in school, it was expected. When I had problems, I received tutoring or extra help. I was taught to value education and learning without extrinsic rewards. Now I need to apply that to my personal life. Having good, supportive friends and family is an intrinsic value. No person can really sit back and say... I did it all by myself... because you really did not. Give thanks to those that have picked you up when you fell down. Give thanks to the person who referred you so you could have work. Be good to others and they will be good to you in return.
  Now, I give thanks to the internet troll who opened my eyes.

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