I get to thinking...

You may wonder why I try to stay as busy as I can with projects and other things. I have a few habits to admit. I like to make my life as complicated as possible to stop myself from thinking about things. What kind of things? Everything.

  Plain and simple, I think too much. A friend of mine told me more than once, “Your mind is going 360 again.” And she could tell just from one glance. Call it being over-analytic, but I cannot seem to help it or stop it from happening. Nor do I fully understand why my brain seems to function in this manner.

  My side projects stimulate my mind and keep me from over-analyzing things like friendships and relationships. I know I am well-liked by peers, after all, it is in my first name, beloved. The Wellbutrin has slowed the “racing mind” syndrome but does not always stop the ebbs and flows of depression and anxiety.

  I can feel the edge of depression at this moment. It no longer cuts like a knife, but more like several edges of clean sheets of paper scraping across the surface of my skin. It’s annoying and I am trying not to succumb to the tidal wave that wants to wash over my neurons to pull me under into the depths of despair. The sea floor trenches of the mind are what I battle every day.

  There is an odd, even macabre beauty, in the sea floor of my mind. It is where I can pull psychopathic thoughts and put them into writing. I never act upon them and I don’t have the capacity or will to do so. It is a constant dance with death, or the concept of it, that seems to pool the creativity into a poem or a story.

  Most people deal with it through drug abuse or alcoholism. I dealt with it through my addiction to video games. Now, I have turned off the video games and limited my time on the internet in favor of dealing with reality.

  I have learned that no one likes reality. That we like to create our own bubbles and we choose, carefully, the friends that will come along on the journey with us. For us, the creatives and the deep intellects, the abstract thinkers, live in fear of judgment from others. We don’t like for it to be pointed out that we are weird, out-of-place, and quite frankly, out-of-time from the rest of the population.

  Many of us don’t think in terms of “God” or religion. We think in terms of the energy of the universe, of which we are all derived from. Some don’t believe that there is anything after this life. The rest of us know that there is. However, it is not in the misinterpretation that has dominated our society and culture for thousands of years. I am telling you to study Taoism, for this is the truest form of the nature of the universe.

  The universe is energy. Your soul is energy. Your body, in its mortal coil, consumes and releases energy. Our spiritual energy is bound until is released to travel dimensions we cannot see. Our multi-dimensional spirits anguish in our four dimensional world. When the spirit is released, it will not want to come back to its binding, for the law of the universe states that all things travel the path of least resistance.  Yet, in our human forms, we complicate things. We rationalize and intellectualize into some twisted form of reality that never has, and never will, exist.

  I make the best effort I can afford to travel amongst human beings while I am here. I truly do enjoy their company but find relief whenever possible. So many thoughts, so much energy, and not very many people really understand how they are using it. I will retreat into my shell, like I usually do on Friday nights, to re-energize and pull my many thoughts together.

  Wishing all of you a restful and productive weekend.